The Before.

Before and after pics are so much fun to see along your journey. We usually post our “afters” with pride because they are visual proof of the work we have put in. We put our befores right by our afters in the hopes that people gloss over the befores and are shocked by the afters. Don’t look at where I started… look at me now !!

But today I want you to simply focus on my before. I’m not going to post my after next to this pic. Nope. Just before.

This picture was taken about two weeks before I started. A true before. Two weeks before I had my “moment” in Atlanta where I realized I couldn’t live like this anymore. Right before my rock bottom moment.

I was 315 pounds. I had to stuff myself into the highest size in the plus size stores.

Trust me I’m not very proud of this picture. In fact it’s one the pictures I looked at on my phone the night I had my “moment” of realization that I had to do something. I didn’t recognize this version of myself. I didn’t see myself like this. I Just couldn’t see It. Was that really me!!?

This is a picture my own family doesn’t even remember me as. “Mom that was you???” “No way you looked like that!”

But I remember this me. I think of this version of me all the time. This is not the old version of me. This is not someone that I refuse to “own”. It’s not this “was” me. This is me.

Oh yeah I would much rather show you my “after” pics… show you how far I’ve come… my change. But knowing where I started is so much more important to see. This is the “me” I want you to know. Pre- Recovering Carbie- me!!

So let me tell you about me in this pic:

I was hopeless.

I had no self esteem.

I did nothing for myself. Everything was for my kids. I lived through them.

I knew how I felt and looked but I had no willpower to fix it.

I had no clue where to look for help.

I wanted a quick fix.

I wanted to do this strictly for weight loss… to look different. I had no virtuous reasons. No finding my inner beauty. Hell no I just wanted to get a lower size. Vanity and visual reasons. That was it. In other words I didn’t know that the true success in this journey would have absolutely nothing to do with the number on the scale.

I was embarrassed.

I never wanted to weigh myself.

I was anxious. A simple pain in my left arm made me wonder if I was having a heart attack.

I was tired. All the time.

I binge ate. I hid food from my own family. I never ate in front of them as I was ashamed but when they went to sleep I would eat like mad.

I had tried every diet under the sun and nothing worked.

I had zero confidence in myself.

I did not think I could do this. In fact I KNEW I couldn’t. In fact about a month before this picture I was in my doctor’s office with weight loss surgery brochures in my hand.

I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without being horribly winded so the idea of working out was completely crazy.

Whether I could physically work out didn’t matter because I simply was too busy to workout or take care of myself.

The idea of counting carbs and sugar seemed impossible because that is all I ate.

I was scared. No wait terrified.

This is the Mandi I want you to see me as. I know that’s crazy because I’m nothing like this now but this is the Mandi I want in the back of your mind when you are going through your journeys.

The reason I started this blog was because of the me in this pic. I was so alone in this journey and I had no idea where to begin. Sure there were all the professionals telling me what to do but no one who truly understood this journey and how hard… no wait impossible… it is.

That’s why I’m not telling you how to do this. I’m not going to give you some magic carb count and exercise plan. I’m just here to remove the impossible from your mind. To go through this journey with you and prove you are not alone.

Society thinks when they see people like me in this pic… man doesn’t she want to lose weight, man if I looked like that I’d definitely diet. But wanting to diet and actually dieting are two very different things.

Dieting is such a small part of weight loss. It’s a complete change to everything about yourself. That’s why it is the hardest thing to do. Change is hard. Changing yourself

Completely?!! Well that’s crazy hard.

So if you are new to the journey, or one of those losing steam already on your resolutions please look at this picture. Please get to know the me in this picture. This is the girl that writes this blog. This is me. You are not alone. The world doesn’t know what you are going through, how bad you want it but how impossible it is to get it, but I do and I’m going to remind you until you block me from your feeds that if the girl in this pic could change her life you can too.

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